Thursday, September 25, 2014


Dear Javi,
I miss you. I'm trying not to get too emotional, because I know you hate when I act like a girl. So, I'll man up and stop crying. However..... I want you to call me again and get on my nerves because you want me to walk to AMPM with you. I want to hear you call me your only "seester"  again, I want you to ask me why I wear so much makeup and tell me that I have a big head one more time. But that's not going to happen. You're gone, permanently, you're never coming back.
  You would have hated the funeral. You were on display like an object, not like a person. Two weeks had passed. I feel like they should have laid you to rest long before, but, I don't call the shots. I sat next to your mama, she is so strong, she barely shed a tear while she was sitting there looking at her first born child in a casket. And then I had to get up, because it was my turn to speak. I got up there and spoke with you right behind me in that fucking wooden box wearing the clothes that I had picked out for you. I said some nice things about you, because you're my brother from another mother, I don't remember exactly what I said, it's kind of a blur.
You should be proud of me,I didn't fall apart. Well, maybe a little.  Because, I don't know exactly why people do this, but everyone walks past the casket, paying there last respects. Everyone was touching you, and I thought to myself, "Oh hell no! I'm not even going to look, let alone touch him" But when I walked past, I couldn't help myself. I leaned down and kissed your cheek. Your skin felt like wax. Like really cold, hard wax.  I will never forget the way it felt. Just like I will never forget you.
You made some bad choices,and one final stupid mistake, but you certainly did not deserve to die the way you did.
Just so you know, I'm still mad at you. I know I'm being selfish, but what the fuck am I supposed to do without you?  Little things remind me of you, like a song or a smell. My grief ebbs and flows, just like the ocean. Sometimes it seems like I'm drowning, and sometimes I'm just getting my ankles wet. There is a place in my heart where you will always live. And that place will never go away. I will visit you there from time to time. There is one thing I know for sure, I will see you again someday, my friend.
Love always,
P. S. You still owe me $10