A Follow Up

So, I haven't posted about Staceys memorial service. I haven't really felt like it, I felt like some things should be held close for a minute before we let them go. But here's how it went.
First, let me describe what I was wearing. A red dress, with one long sleeve and the other with no shoulder attached by a gold chain, and of course a pair of 6 inch heels. She had told me at one point to wear something trashy to her funeral. It wasn't totally trashy, but I feel like she would have approved. The service was held at a private home. it was a packed house. At least 60 to 80 people. There were chairs set up in a semi circle in a huge family room. Her two boys were there, looking like little men in their suits and ties. They were so polite to everyone who came by and said "I'm sorry for your loss". I said nothing to then. Just hugged them. Kaleb, her youngest said to me, "I like your dress. You smell really good." I kind of laughed and thanked him. I went to sit down in the third row, that's when Sergio came up to me and said "Come sit with the family". I've said it before, I have no idea what I did, but I'm honored to be considered part of the family. I sat down in the front row with the boys, Staceys mother, Sergio and his parents. There was a table with pictures of Stacey. Some alone, some with her family. One was right after the first time I had done her hair. She had so much hair. Immediately, my morbid brain jumps to that sick feeling I had the first time I washed her hair after chemo and it came out in gobs in my hands. Fuck that, this isn't about me. Stop having ridiculous thoughts. I'm looking at the people filling up all the seats. It's getting to be standing room only. I'm getting a little nervous. I'm really going to have to read this shit and say "dick sucking" in front of all these people. Kill me now. Please let a giant tornado come through and whisk me into oblivion. Yeah, that never happens when I need it to.
My incessant nervous foot tapping must have caught Sergios attention, because he leaned over and whispered "Check your phone". My phone was off, of course, and buried in the depths of hell that is my purse. I found it and read the text he had sent, "you'll be OK. Just read it. Btw you're up first"
What the fuck? First? Can I at least get an opening band? Guess now would be a good time to start breathing.  Here's my introduction.
"Friends and family, thank you for being here to celebrate the life of the love of my life, the mother of my children, and my best friend. I think you all know that Stacey was a special kind of crazy. There is someone here who I think can describe her better than anyone else. Sarah, no editing, please "
OK so this is not how I pictured my big moment. More like a thank you speech to the Academy. But here I go, devil in a red dress and a pair of hooker heels. Deep breath.
I read it. I did pretty good, no serious breakdown. I made sure I kept my head down, no eye contact. I got a few laughs, but who cares, this ain't Midnight at the Apollo. I just kept reading, knowing full well that if I looked up at her two now motherless sons, 13 and 9, her mother who couldn't understand why she was burying her  32 year old daughter, and a husband who was barely holding it down, I was gonna fucking lose it. I read through my first blog post, and I was OK. Until I got to the end, when I read this. "Stacey was not only my client, she was my friend, and a kindred spirit.  She he didn't lose the fight,  she finally took pity on the other team and threw the game. Girl , wherever you are right now, I hope you take pride in knowing you took care of your boys right up to the end. They will always have the memory of a mother was a fighter, a nurturer, and an all around badass. Someone who loved them with a fierceness that no one will ever match. The moment that Sergio  called me and said these three words to me,  "Sarah, it's over"  will always be in my heart as one of the saddest, but also one of the proudest of my entire life. Sad, because I'm going to miss your crazy ass, but proud because Sergio told me that I was only the second person he had called. I am beyond honored that you and your family considered me that important. I don't know what I did, but I am forever in your debt. You taught me some things. One of my favorite quotes of all time is "Tell them to fight faster. Don't give up the ship." Captain James Lawrence, his dying command aboard the USS Chesapeake, War of 1812. It fits you to a T, my friend. You just fought faster, knowing you were going down, but you'd be damned if everything else was going to fall apart in your absence. One of the last things you ever said to me was a text that read, "I read your blog. Who's dick do I have to suck to get a mention? “ I wrote about you that night.And still, no dick sucking required. I would tell you to rest in peace, but that ain't you, sugar. Give em hell, and fuck shit up. That's how girls like us roll. Stacey Renee Ridgemoore-Valenzuela you will forever be my main bitch. I love you."
So, I kinda fell apart when I was reading that, and before I was halfway through, her husband just came up and held my hand. Not in creepy way. Just like a hey, we're friends and we're gonna get through this kind of way. The rest of it is kind of a blur. Others spoke, there was so much to say about her. We could have been there all night, days even.
Sometimes,  on your journey, you meet someone special. You meet people who help to shape your life, and you usually don't realize it at the time. So embrace every moment, every friend, chance encounter; and every moment of your seemingly silly, insignificant life. It's cliché, but tomorrow really isn't promised. The pain of loss is nothing compared to the pain of an empty life.